As of today, my school year has been over for one week. What a time my first week of summer has been! There has been a constant emotional battle raging inside me. I have plenty of things going on this summer and a plethora of things I want and need to do, but I don't have many things that are pressing or that demand a daily schedule. I really enjoy this. I love the freedom that summer brings to go for long walks, to read for long periods of time, to spend days with friends, to plan for next school year, to sit by the pool, to pursue neighbors, to do artwork, etc. However, there is a little (but loud) voice in my ear that says I need to be "productive" (whatever that means). I need to be able to give an account of all the "productive" things I've done in my day. I perceive that people around my life who don't know me well think I just sit around all day, every day and eat potato chips and chocolate as I watch daytime soap operas. I find myself constantly wanting to explain to people why I chose not to get a part-time job, why I'm choosing not to take on new commitments for the summer, and what I do with my days.
So, this struggle spurred an interesting conversation with a friend the other day. What is the difference between being idle or lazy and being still or restful? Even thinking about these concepts evokes such an energy in me to want to be understood and for people to know my heart. I feel such pressure to prove that I'm not lazy, but then I'm not engaging in stillness either!
In reality, I know my heart's battle boils down to the same thing I've struggled with all my life...performing for other people to try to manage their impression of me. Aaaagh! I really want to throw that monkey off my back, but it holds on so tightly and whispers constantly in my ear!
I long to sit in the presence of my Maker and revel in the gift of this season He has given me, knowing that He is present in my summer days and that He delights in me.
Be quiet, monkey!!
3 comments:
hello girl! thanks for your willingness to share the struggle of time and expectations...I'm excited to see how God blesses you this summer with freedom to rest.
I can really relate to a lot of the struggle you're expressing. I took an assessment with the book Living Your Strenths. It rated me high in being an "achiever" theme in my life. It gave an explanation that helped me understand and be more o.k. with that side of me. If it's something that interests you, I can send you some of the things it mentioned about it.
yea! Be quiet monkey! You know, the funny thing about potato chips, chocolate, and being productive is that too much of any of them will make you sick, but they are all yummy in moderation.
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