So, I've found myself wanting to blog a lot lately, but I'm just not sure what to write about. I love to post about life with our kids. I mean, they're just so cute and entertaining! But, I also use this blog to kind of check myself. If all I can think to blog about for weeks on end is our kids, then chances are, my personal life is not very well rounded. That may or may not be the case for other blogger folks out there. I, however, love cultivating a reflective, creative, worshipful life even apart from the little ones. And that is a large part of why I started this blog in the first place...to have a place to somewhat publicly wrestle through my ponderings.
So, what have I been thinking about lately? I sat and asked myself this evening. It was a much more difficult question than I'd like. Of course, I've had lots of thoughts...about parenting, about engaging with people, about T's work, about friends, about different creative projects, etc. But what have I been thinking about that just begs for a conversation?
Well, here ya go.
A number of my past students have befriended me via Facebook. I love having a little window into their lives as they grow up through and beyond high school. More than a handful of the young ladies I taught as high schoolers have gotten pregnant in recent months. Most of them are now of college age and are not anywhere near being married, nor do many of them seem committed to their baby daddy at all.
Here are these young gals with so much life ahead of them. They find themselves in these dead-beat relationships, pregnant, facing decisions about how to care for their soon-to-be-born baby, seemingly unaware of how their lives are about to really change (whether they choose to parent the baby or place for adoption). And here is what really baffles me. I've seen this type of "communication" happen on FB over and over and over again...
Girl posts as status: "I have a baby in my belly!"
Friends comment: "Congratulations! That is so exciting! I'm so happy for you! You will make a great mommy!"
WHAT!?!
Don't get me wrong, having a baby is a wonderfully beautiful thing. And perhaps these various women will grow to be great mommies. I pray it's so. But when did premarital sex and unwed mommies become so commonplace, that friends seem not to bat an eye or have even a slight feeling of heaviness when the pregnancy announcement is made from a young, single lady? And are they REALLY happy for her? Because I'm not. In general, I feel sad for her. Sad that she is likely to end up a single mother, working so hard to make ends meet, sad that she really has no idea how much work it is to raise a child, sad that she is going to have to fight so hard to make good decisions for herself, and sad that the love she so deeply hopes for from her baby (and it's daddy) is bound to disappoint. And that doesn't even touch on the general sadness I feel for the unborn child or for our future generations coming from broken or single parent homes.
I have yet to see any Facebook friends reply with comments of dislike, sorrow, or compassion. I'm not saying responses of judgement or disapproval should be expected, but surely there are more realistic responses than, "I'm so happy for you!" I mean, golly, I can tell you that as a teenager, I knew that if I were to travel down a road that led to me getting pregnant, the response I'd get would be quite different from "Congrats! You're going to be such a great mommy!" Whoa, momma!
Is this a cultural phenomenon specific to Facebook or do you think this is a more general cultural shift? Or did I just grow up in farm-town, America, and therefore, am way off track? :)
Cheryl's Birthday
2 years ago
8 comments:
This is really interesting. I don't have any "friends" that have made these kinds of announcements...
I'm hoping that this is an example of the FB phenomenon that pinpoints an unnatural way that people relate on FB. Maybe, young girls react this way in person, but my guess is that in such an impersonal and public forum, one likes to be positive, hopeful, encouraging... and, well, not "weird." I mean, what can you say? "Oh, honey I'm so sorry...I bet that was unexpected...I'm glad you're not having an abortion...LIfe is going to be so hard for you." If you had the kind of relationship with her to say anything like that, she would've called you to tell you the news, right? But, maybe that's another example of the unfortunate way that this FB generation is relating. Surely, pregnancy news (when this unexpected, especially) is not announced over facebook before close friends are told. But, if not, this might highlight an exaggerated relating style that's full of smiles and hugs and no real heart conversations...
It would be interesting to place ourselves in the situation of the "babymomma" who posts on facebook. Without knowing the story I can only guess, but it seems that this startling announcement might be a "ping" to test her own perspective and gather assurances of support. She could as easily be discouraged by flippant expressions of congratulations as she might be encouraged on a surface level. But what would seem to speak volumes is the silence--the words she doesn't hear from people of substance in her life: honest, thoughtful words that affirm life but offer support in facing the realities of the situation. That kind of support is hard for someone who cares to give because one is confused at the shallow announcement (of pregnancy) and response (of congrats). I have struggled myself in trying to find the golden mean between unquestioning tolerance and fixed judgment.
I don't think you are being a fuddy duddy. Among other things FB reveals the profound level of fuzziness and tragedy in our world. It is hard to know where to enter the story of someone like this. But I do think there is something good about the struggle: it is noble because life, truth, and beauty are at stake.
PS I forget mention words of encouragement for your desire to expand the horizons of your blog. Kudos.
Oh Carmen I can so echo this one. We have some past students of my husband's in similar situations. Ones that I have struggled with how to "love them" online and still be honest that ugghhhh you have some hard days ahead of you. One is preggo with #2 at the age of 19. And I just want to scream, "did you not remember it the first time around?" But so many of her friends are thrilled for her and throwing high school showers. SIGH. I almost always just end up praying for her, the baby and then myself. No answers here, just letting you know I've felt the same way!
Hey Carmen,
I had to comment simply because I faced this SO often at my last job. I never offered congratulations, my response was usually something along the lines of, "Wow, how do you feel about that?" Followed by a lot of realistic and logistical questions. Usually I would find a little girl, for lack of a better word. Sadly I don't think that type of response from a friend is purely limited to facebook. It's everywhere, especially at school. Culture shift, in my opinion.
Jennifer
I don't know if I believe the "Oh, that's great!" responses are entirely truthful - I can't imagine the "friends" of these girls responding in this manner. I do believe that many girls are probably happy it wasn't themselves, while they are engaged in the same risky behavior, and many probably don't want to risk being the 'different' or 'negative' one, as was mentioned in earlier comments.
Also, if I was the pregnant girl...would I broadcast this news all over FB? Um...probably not...is this an attempt to mask the embarrassment and shame, or a desperate plea for attention? I'm not sure I can subscribe to the "I'm truly so happy to be having a baby at age 16" mantra. :) Thanks for posting this!
Or 19 or 20 for that matter...
That's interesting for sure. I've felt a cultural shift in how people communicate. As in: people saying things that seem "appropriate" or that make people feel at ease, but don't really mean much. In fact, sometimes the things people say don't make sense at all. It's just a way to fill awkward space when there is a lack of ability to communicate something genuine.
Not sure for the reason for this but my thoughts and observations are: a lack of critical thinking skills (people are losing ability to reason and come to logical conclusions or follow long trains of thought) and loss of social skills as "relationships" happen more distantly.
I'm no expert, just my observations. I feel for those babies and mamas.
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